For partners
My husband or wife is an addict.
If you are married to someone who is using, or sharing a home and a bank account with them, most of what is written for you comes from people who left or people who stayed. I am neither. I am the one who lied, blamed the people closest to me, went silent, and said the cruel things on purpose. I have been sober since 2009.
I was somebody's son, not somebody's husband, so I will not pretend to know your marriage from the inside. What I can tell you is what those behaviors were made of from my end, and what they were never about: you.
None of this is medical advice, and what happens in your relationship is yours to decide. Here are the answers in the order I would hand them to a partner.
Start here
My Husband Is in Denial About His Addiction
He has the problem and doesn't see it. I was the one who felt fine while my family fell apart. Seventeen years sober, here's how denial works from inside.
My Husband Blames Me for His Relapse
I said things like that when I was using, so I have to answer this. Seventeen years sober: the blame was never yours. Here's what it really was.
Why Do Addicts Lie to the People They Love?
I was the liar. Seventeen years sober, I can tell you why I lied to my family every day, and why believing me was never your fault.
What to say, and where the line is
What Do You Say to Someone in Active Addiction?
I was the one being talked to. Seventeen years sober, here's what landed, what bounced straight off, and why.
How to Set Boundaries With an Addict
I'm the wrong person to teach you how. I was the addict on the receiving end. Here's what the boundary did when it landed on me.
Should I Give Money to Someone in Addiction?
I was the one asking for it. Seventeen years sober, here's what your money actually bought, and why the answer is not simple.
Am I Enabling or Am I Helping?
I was the one being enabled, often in the same afternoon I was being helped. Seventeen years sober, here's the line as best I can draw it.
What it does to you
Why Do Addicts Say Hurtful Things?
I said them, and I aimed them. Seventeen years sober, here is what was underneath the cruelest things I said, and why they were never information about you.
Do Addicts Ignore Your Messages on Purpose?
I was the one who went silent. Seventeen years sober, here's what your unanswered messages actually meant, and what they never meant.
How to Stop Worrying About Someone in Addiction
I can't teach you to stop worrying. Nobody honest can. But I was the son my mom worried about, and I can tell you what I know from the inside.
What Does Detaching With Love Actually Mean?
It gets handed to families with no instructions. Seventeen years sober, here's what it means, what it doesn't, and how it gets used wrong.
Guilt After Leaving an Addict
Most advice on this guilt comes from people who left. I'm the one who got left. My parents cut me off three months before I got sober.
If what gets said or done in your house ever comes with fear, that is not an addiction question, and none of these pages apply to it. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In Canada, sheltersafe.ca shows the nearest shelter and its number. For treatment questions or just to talk it through, SAMHSA's free helpline in the US is 1-800-662-4357, 24/7. If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988, any time. It works in the US and Canada.
The other seat at the table: my son or daughter is addicted. Or every answer.
Something you can use tonight.
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