My Husband Is in Denial About His Addiction

What do you do when your husband is in denial about his addiction? He's the one with the problem, and he doesn't think he has one. She's the one falling apart.

I know how that works, because I was the one who felt fine while my family fell apart.

This is lived experience from one recovery, not medical advice.

Sixteen years sober now, and I can tell you that for a long time, the person I lied to hardest was me. Not my family. Me. They got the secondhand version of a story I was telling myself first, every day, and believing.

Denial is part of the addiction

Addiction defends itself. That's the cleanest way I can put it. Denial is the wall, and the blaming is part of the same wall. When I said the problem was stress, or my family, or my job, or bad luck, that wasn't a separate character flaw sitting next to the addiction. It was the addiction doing what it does, which is protect itself from anything that threatens it. I can't see inside your husband, but I can tell you that's exactly what it was in me. Including the truth. Especially the truth.

From inside that wall, I wasn't lying to my family the way you lie when you know the truth and hide it. The wall was between me and the truth too. That's what made it so strong.

Nobody could have argued me in

Here's the part that I know is hard to hear, and the part I most need you to have. Nobody could have argued me into seeing it. Not one person.

There was no perfect sentence. No airtight case, no right moment, no better-worded conversation that would have gotten through. People tried. Smart people, people I loved. The wall held against all of it, because the wall wasn't built out of bad information. It was built out of addiction.

It took my own bottom to force the truth. That was my road. I can't tell you how his goes. I won't pretend one man's story is a map for another man's addiction, and I'd be lying if I told you I know what will finally reach your husband, or when.

The case you can put down

But this much I can say straight to you. Him not seeing it is not evidence you failed to explain it well enough. Making him see it was never your assignment.

You've probably been building the case for a long time. Gathering the examples, rehearsing the wording, waiting for the opening. I understand why. But if nobody could have argued me into seeing it, then the fact that you haven't managed it isn't a verdict on your explaining. You can put that case down.

And you count

One more thing, because I suspect nobody has said it to you lately. You, not doing great? That counts all on its own. Not as his wife. As you.

Your exhaustion is not a subplot in his story. You don't have to earn attention by being the strong one, and you don't have to wait for him to get better before you're allowed to need something.

If things are heavy right now

If you want to talk to someone about treatment options or what families can do, SAMHSA's free helpline is open 24/7 at 1-800-662-4357. If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741. You don't have to be the one in addiction to use these lines.

Why Haven exists

My family stood exactly where you're standing, and there was nothing built for them. No support, no place to take any of it. Haven is that place, an app for the wives, moms, and families of people in addiction, and it opens August 24. The waitlist is at joinprojecthaven.com if you'd like a spot.