For parents
My son or daughter is addicted.
If your son or daughter is using, you are probably reading this at an hour nobody should be awake, with a phone face up on the nightstand. I was the son. My mom held our house together while I took it apart, and nobody handed her anything.
Every answer below is written from my side of it, the side that was lying, asking for money, going silent, and finally, at twenty-four, getting sober. None of it is medical advice and none of it is a promise about your child. It is what the people who loved me actually did, and what was never their job.
If your child is gone, these pages still speak to you. None of them blame you, and none of them should.
Here they are in the order I would hand them to a parent.
Start here
Is My Child's Addiction My Fault?
No. I was the child. Seventeen years sober, and I can tell you where it came from, because it came from me.
How to Help an Addict Who Doesn't Want Help
I was the addict who didn't want help. Seventeen years sober, here's what the people who loved me actually did, and what was never their job.
Does an Addict Have to Hit Rock Bottom?
No. I didn't. Seventeen years sober, and waiting for someone's bottom is the most dangerous thing families get told.
Money, enabling, and where the line is
Should I Give Money to Someone in Addiction?
I was the one asking for it. Seventeen years sober, here's what your money actually bought, and why the answer is not simple.
Am I Enabling or Am I Helping?
I was the one being enabled, often in the same afternoon I was being helped. Seventeen years sober, here's the line as best I can draw it.
How to Set Boundaries With an Addict
I'm the wrong person to teach you how. I was the addict on the receiving end. Here's what the boundary did when it landed on me.
What Do You Say to Someone in Active Addiction?
I was the one being talked to. Seventeen years sober, here's what landed, what bounced straight off, and why.
What they do, and why
Why Do Addicts Lie to the People They Love?
I was the liar. Seventeen years sober, I can tell you why I lied to my family every day, and why believing me was never your fault.
Why Do Addicts Say Hurtful Things?
I said them, and I aimed them. Seventeen years sober, here is what was underneath the cruelest things I said, and why they were never information about you.
Do Addicts Ignore Your Messages on Purpose?
I was the one who went silent. Seventeen years sober, here's what your unanswered messages actually meant, and what they never meant.
Can Love Save an Addict?
My family's love reached me. All of it landed. And it could not get me sober. Seventeen years in, here's what love actually did.
You
How to Stop Worrying About Someone in Addiction
I can't teach you to stop worrying. Nobody honest can. But I was the son my mom worried about, and I can tell you what I know from the inside.
What Does Detaching With Love Actually Mean?
It gets handed to families with no instructions. Seventeen years sober, here's what it means, what it doesn't, and how it gets used wrong.
Watching Someone You Love Destroy Themselves
I was the one being watched. Seventeen years sober, I can tell you what it looked like from inside, and what it was never about.
If you want to talk to a person tonight, SAMHSA's free helpline in the US is 1-800-662-4357, 24/7, and it is for family members too. In Canada, 211 connects you with addiction services in your province. If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988, any time. It works in the US and Canada.
The other seat at the table: my husband or wife is an addict. Or every answer.
Something you can use tonight.
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