What Do You Say to Someone in Active Addiction?

What do you say to someone in active addiction? I cannot give you a script. What I can give you is what actually reached me and what did not, because I was the one being talked to.

This is lived experience from one recovery, not medical advice.

Seventeen years sober now. Back then people said a great deal to me. Most of it bounced. Some of it stayed.

What bounced off

The case. The airtight, well prepared case for why I should stop. People laid it out, and they were right, and it did nothing.

Ultimatums delivered at the worst possible hour. Anything that arrived as a lecture. Anything where I could hear that the person had rehearsed it.

And anything that turned the conversation into a contest I could win or lose. Once I was defending myself, I had stopped listening. I was just looking for the exit line.

What actually stayed

Short things. Plain ones.

"I love you and I am not going anywhere" stayed. It did not get me sober. Nothing anyone said got me sober. But it stayed, and it was still there later, when I needed to know where to go.

"I cannot give you money, and you can call me any time" stayed, because it drew a line without slamming a door. Both halves did work. Take either one away and it becomes a different sentence.

And honest sentences about them rather than about me. "I am scared" landed harder than "you are killing yourself." One of those I could argue with. The other one I could not, because it was simply true about them, and there was nothing in it for me to fight.

Why the good ones worked

Not because they were clever. Because they were survivable.

A lecture forced me to defend the using, and defending it made me hold on tighter. The short honest ones gave me nothing to push against, so there was nothing left to do but hear it.

That is the whole mechanic, as far as I can tell. Anything that starts an argument gets the addiction's best lawyer. Anything that just states a fact gets past him.

Timing, since nobody mentions it

At one in the morning, when they are not sober, you are not talking to the person. You are talking to the state they are in, and almost nothing lands there.

That is not a rule about when you are allowed to speak. Say what you need to say. Just know that the conversation you actually want probably has to happen twice, and the second time is the one that counts.

This is my story, not a formula

What reached me might not reach yours. I can only report from one recovery.

And if you said the wrong thing once, in a moment when you were terrified, that did not cause anything. I did not relapse over anybody's word choice. That was never how it worked.

If things are heavy right now

If you want help thinking through a conversation before you have it, SAMHSA's free helpline in the US is 1-800-662-4357, 24/7. In Canada, 211 connects you with addiction services in your province. If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988, any time. It works in the US and Canada.

Why Haven exists

The one in the morning version of this question is exactly why I built Haven. Somewhere to go when you do not know what to say and there is nobody left to ask. It is in final review now, and the waitlist is at joinprojecthaven.com.