Is My Child's Addiction My Fault?

Is my child's addiction my fault? No. And I am not the person you would expect to be answering that, because I was the child.

This is lived experience from one recovery, not medical advice.

I was the one using. My parents were the ones lying awake. Seventeen years sober now, and I have had a long time to think about where the blame actually sits.

Where it came from

It came from me. Not from something you said at the dinner table years ago. Not from the divorce, or the move, or the stretch where you worked too much, or the thing you still replay at two in the morning.

I know parents go looking for the moment. I watched mine do it. There is a search that happens where you comb back through everything trying to find the crack you left open.

There was not one. I can tell you that with some authority, because I was there, and I know what I was reaching for, and none of it was a report card on anyone's parenting.

Why the search feels so necessary

Here is the honest mechanic of it. If you caused it, then you could have prevented it. And if you could have prevented it, then somewhere in there is a version of this where you fix it.

That is what the guilt is actually offering you. Control. Guilt is easier to hold than helplessness, so people pick up the blame because the blame seems to come with a steering wheel attached.

It is not connected to anything. And carrying it costs you the energy you need for the parts that are real.

What my mom actually did

My mom held our house together while I was taking it apart. She carried more of my addiction than anyone should have to carry, and I am certain she spent years asking herself the exact question you are asking now.

Here is what I would say to her. Nothing she did made me pick up. Nothing she failed to do kept me using. She could not love me into recovery, and the fact that she could not was never a verdict on how much she loved me.

She loved me plenty. It did not reach the addiction. Those are two different facts, and it took me years to be able to say the second one out loud.

The part I have to own

I do not want to make this sound clean. I hurt them. I lied to them, and I frightened them for years.

Explaining that it was not their fault is not the same as saying it did not happen. It happened. It was mine.

If yours did not make it back

Some people reach, and some never get the chance. If yours did not, that was not your failure either. I mean that as fully as I am able to mean anything. You did not lose them because you missed a moment.

If things are heavy right now

In the US, SAMHSA's free helpline is 1-800-662-4357, 24/7, and it is for you as much as it is for them. In Canada, 211 connects you with addiction services in your province. If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988, any time. It works in the US and Canada.

Why Haven exists

While everyone was focused on me, my parents were drowning, and nobody was building anything for them. That is the whole reason Haven exists. It is in final review now, and the waitlist is at joinprojecthaven.com.