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What to say when they ask you for money
A free guide from someone who was the one asking. 17 years sober.
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The moment
The phone lights up. It's a text, or a call at eleven at night, and you know what it is before you read it.
And you have about four seconds.
When the answer is no
“I can't give you money. You can call me any time.”
One of seven things you can actually say.
What's inside
The words, for the four seconds after the phone lights up.
Seven things you can actually say
For yes, for no, for when you need time, for "it's an emergency", for helping without money, for when they get angry, and the one you say to yourself after.
Safe or comfortable
One question to hold any ask up against. Safe is a roof, the lights, their medicine. Comfortable is where they can feel their own choices.
Paying the bill vs handing over cash
What changes when you pay the company directly, and the options that are not money at all.
What may be going on from their side
Why the reason is ready every time, and why it is sometimes even true.
What not to do to yourself afterward
For the replaying, the second-guessing, and the nights you said yes after promising you wouldn't.
When it's about safety, not money
The line where consequences stop, and the numbers to call.
Lived experience from one recovery, not medical, legal or financial advice.
Who wrote it
“I know that moment from the other end of the phone. I was the one asking.”
I'm seventeen years sober now, and I wrote this so you have something to say the next time it happens, so you're not making it up on the spot.
Nobody handed my mom anything like this. I'm building Haven for the families who love someone in addiction, so you don't have to guess alone.
Have something to say next time.
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If this is about safety, not money
Real danger, withdrawal and overdose are not lessons. Get help right then. In an emergency, call 911.
- Suicide and Crisis LifelineCall or text 988
- Not safe at home1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788
- SAMHSA helpline, free, 24/71-800-662-4357
Want the longer version of why the answer is not simple? Read Should I give money to someone in addiction? and Am I enabling or am I helping?